Oh for the love of god sometimes I just can’t get out of my own way.
That nice Russian man brought a ton of food and nice wine over to my house last night. (We were going to go to a movie, but there was a bad storm and I really didn’t want to leave the house).
And on top of that – he got rid of the dead mouse in my basement!! I’m not joking. I noticed it two days ago when I went down to check my oil tank and I nearly gagged at the sight of it and haven’t been to the basement since. Yes, it was just a little mouse and I know all I had to do was put on some rubber gloves and throw it in a bag and throw it in the garbage but I just couldn’t do it without tossing my cookies. So he did. And with no comment about why I would leave a dead mouse in my basement, which was an added bonus.
Anyway, it was a really nice evening. We ate some food, drank some wine and talked for a couple of hours. He is just such a decent human being, smart, kind and I do like kissing him.
So as ridiculous as this sounds, I’m thinking to myself that he is just not my type and this is all going to end badly – for him, not me.. For whatever reason, I prefer the assholes who don’t pay enough attention to me, don’t take care of me and could never sit there and talk all night without sex somehow being involved. Yes, I realize that sounds utterly lame and ridiculous, but that’s how I seem to roll.
Of course, I have wasted my day trying to slice and dice whether or not this is just a complete waste of my time and his time, go back on ROC and meet the over 300 people who now want to meet me, and find some playboy type that won’t work as mostly that’s what works for me. God, I drive myself nuts sometimes. Can you imagine what it must be like to be in my head when I am off on these tangents????
My solution was to go buy some red wine. Now I am having some of that red wine and contemplating what my next move should be.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I really do need to get out of my own way and stop trying to invent reasons why I should dump the Russian immediately before things get too far along and I end up hurting his feelings.
But, for the record, here are are some of the reasons why I think I should do that (dump the Russian I mean):
1. He is just too nice so there has to be something wrong with him or weird about him that I don’t know about yet.
2. There is no way someone could be feeding me, buying me nice wine and not expecting some sort of sexual pay back.
3. What if he is really awful in bed?? I don’t care what anyone says, if the sex is not what you want, how do you work around that??
4. I’m a very strong personality. I can’t have a man who is going to just go with everything I want without calling me out when I’m an asshole or being unreasonable. A doormat just won’t work. Can this incredibly nice Russian possibly ever tell me to smarten up if required?
5. Why is he not trying to have sex with me???? He’s a guy. All guys want sex. He is being a complete gentleman.
There, a little peek into my brain…. And that is not an exhaustive list, just the top five.
I had my eyelash extensions and waxing done today (yes, I am a bit high maintenance where personal grooming is concerned, nail fill tomorrow plus pedicure and hair next week) and MD is fabulous and I adore her and she is very wise for a 30 year old. I explained all of the above to her and her advice is to go with the flow, I’ve had a crap time with men over the last few years, and it may be good to STOP OVER ANALYZING THINGS TO DEATH!
She’s right. I agree it is possible that sometimes things are just what they seem and nothing else and I also agree it’s possible that people do things without ulterior motives. But, it is just hard for me to believe that where men are concerned..
What’s my next move? Well, it’s to drink some more of this nice red wine, read my book in an effort to stop this endless loop in my head, and to also stop being an asshole who expects the worse. I really do want to give the Russian more credit – he has done absolutely nothing to deserve me tossing him and has only treated me well since I’ve known him.
As I said, sometimes I just can’t get out of my own way.