I know you can’t fix crazy, but why am I feeling a bit bereft???

I feel so completely blah today about all of this it is unbelievable.  Obviously I know I did the right thing by tossing his ass, but I really did like the guy, and when he wasn’t being weird it was so much fun hanging around with him.  Now I am back to being single again.  So here I am, an under employed, middle-aged woman who sucks at relationships, with an old dog who is most likely not going to last out the year and a room mate that I told today to smarten up or move out.  So much going for me when I put it like that.

So as the final word on this disaster, I thought I’d make myself feel a bit better about the action I took by sharing a few  of the texts and emails I received post-break up.

The first text:  “I didn’t mean to upset you tonight.  Something tells me it wasn’t just the text I sent you re beer that made you to decide to pack in the relationship.  Maybe I expect too much but you must have figured out I don’t drink wine, yet every time you came to my house (Editorial note:  it was twice I went to his house, where he practically lived at mine, and in all cases there was beer in the fridge for him that I purchased) you had a new bottle – know why?  Because I took the time to go to the LC for you.  Anyway I had a great four weeks and didn’t want things to end this way.  I hope you have a nice trip out west and if you change your mind about me I would love to hear from you.”

So, I woke up on Thursday morning to that text.  I thought to myself, this is good, even though he doesn’t get it really, at least he knows we’re done.  And I thought that was the end of it.. But no, of course it wasn’t, I then get the following email once I land in Calgary:

“Its funny how you can ask me for a job, to train you, to carry a thousand pounds of pellets, to go into your attic, to drive you to and from the airport, to go into your house daily to fill-up the stove etc. etc. but when I ask you if you have beer in your house for me and that if you don’t would you be able to do that – you overreact, become defensive, angry and use this as a deal breaker. I don’t know why you acted this way – for a women who claims she hates drama you sure were good at it last night 😉  Be sure to tell your friends that all I wanted to do was to have a few drinks after dinner at your place and give you your card, rose, and red lingerie and make love to you before you went away – oh well things don’t always go as planned 😉 If you look at my text asking you if you had beer (I doubt if you will) it was friendly and I said I can bring beer if you don’t have any, I even ended it with xoxo.  Your reply was angry, defensive and cold 😦  FYI when I went to get my coat, the young guy was upset over how you swore at him. I spent about 5 minutes explaining to him and the bar tender that you were very angry at me and not him. I apologised for your behaviour and tipped him well so when you go back, it wont be too awkward. FYI both the waitress and the coat check guy commented on how they applauded the fact that I finished my dinner and didn’t cause a scene myself. Also if you were trying to humiliate me – it didn’t work 😉  As I said before I have nothing to be ashamed of and while I probably talk too much and am too honest, I have always treated you very well.”

Editorial Note:  I didn’t swear at anyone.  Nor did I cause  scene.  No one was in the part of the restaurant where it happened but us.  As for all of the things he says I ask him to do, he is in lala land over that.  I have never asked him to do anything.  He kept offering to employ me, fix my attic, refused to let me carry the pellets into the house, drive me to the airport, take care of my house while I was gone,  etc. etc.  It is just so funny that he thinks I asked HIM, when he offered on all counts, but that would be BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY!

So February 14th was a big day for texts and emails and reinforced to me 100% he is a crazy bastard to be avoided:

Text 1:  Happy Valentines Day.  I miss you and haven’t heard anything from you since you left the restaurant.  I have never had that happen before so I don’t know what I am supposed to do.  I am thinking you have already moved on.  I don’t want to , but I will if you don’t give me some sign that you haven’t completely given up on us.  I am far from perfect but I do have lots to offer you.

Text 2:  Last text, I promise.  If you were in town I would come over (all redacted due to graphic sexual content). I am smarter than you so I am givin you some advice : )  Smarten the fuck up and cut out this drama.  When I asked u for beer after all the nice things I have done for u – u should have got off your ass (while I was out buying u a fresh long stem rose) and went to the LC which is 5 min from your house and got some beer for me.  That’s it – end of fucking story.  If u want to throw everything we have away your out of your mind.  I am done fuckin around now.  Drop the drama and take a couple of minutes from your busy day and text me back or I will know you are relationship challenged : )  I am not waiting all wknd to hear from you – for fucks sake we r both over 50.

NICE!!  My sister and I peed our pants laughing over that one.

Then I receive this text:

“Just got home and see you didn’t email me back.  I need closure so I just emailed u a letter.  It’s nice as told u I am not vindictive even when someone crushes my heart.  I hope u take the time to read it and still can’t believe u r throwing everything we had away.”

The Email:

“I haven’t heard from you and I am really really disappointed so I guess that’s how you breakup.  I know your busy with your family but a kind word or two would take all of 5 seconds.  I think if you had feelings for me now or ever and or respected me you wouldn’t be giving me the silent treatment – especially since we discussed how mean spirited that is. I am surprised you didn’t at least apologize for creating the scene at the restaurant – that was not cool to do in public and I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I have no idea how you could do a 180 degree turn on me in one evening.  I need closure and since your obviously not going to give it to me this letter is part of my closure process. I hope you take the time to read it. I also want to let you know tomorrow I am going back on POF so I can begin to move on. It kills me we are no more. The last two days you have ripped my heart out, I have no appetite, and can’t concentrate on anything.  You obviously don’t want anything to do with me. I am sure you got my several texts and email.  I was talking to Scott (among others) trying to make sense about what happened. The first question I get is what did you say to her? I wish I could answer that intelligently but all I know is we were talking about beer and the next thing I know is your leaving the restaurant. I had no idea you were having such a serious conversation with me. FYI I was tired and stressed over tenant and tax problems. Anyway, I made a list of what I need back from your place: (Editorial note: long list of crap which I won’t bore you with). You can put all that stuff in a garbage bag and leave it on your step and I will swing by Tuesday at 8:45 pm on the way to the gym and I will put your stuff in a Sobeys bag and leave it behind. I don’t drink tea or your coffee so I might as well give that back to you too so it doesn’t get wasted. I always had a lot of respect for you and hope you find happiness.  I know you told me you don’t need a man and I have heard that from other middle aged women too. But that’s not really true. The love a women gets from her child, from her family and from friends is not the same as the love from a man. Women who don’t have a man in their life to share their hopes, dreams and inner most thoughts with and someone to fall asleep with and wake-up with are really missing out on something great in life – and a vibrator is no substitute for a man 😉 Don’t get me wrong there are also men out there too, who think that they don’t need a woman, have given up on trying to find a real love or just don’t want to do the work. I am sure those fathers also tell themselves that they get enough love from their kids, friends and career, but they too are fooling themselves. I am smart enough to know that I am not one of them. I remember you once said that after all the bad stuff women put me through over the years I still had an optimistic outlook about women  –  and that’s why !   (Jesus I just proof read this and I sound like Dr. Phil lol)  You made a great impression on me and that’s not easy to do. I don’t know if you knew it but I was falling in love with you. Your pretty much all I thought about for the last 5 weeks. I doubt if I will ever forget you, and I am very sorry for any stress or unhappiness I caused you and how things turned out. I really thought we had a connection and our strong feelings/love for one another would enable us to work through any problems together, anyway I know I had/have very strong feelings for you. I opened up my whole heart and soul to you as you did for me and just cant believe you would discard all the fun, the passionate sex, the kindness, the intimacy and everything else we had – especially after last weekend together. FYI last weekend meant an awful lot to me and I guess much more to me than you.  Life will go on for both of us, but together it could have been so much better. Take care of yourself babe.  PS don’t feel obligated to get back to me – I am slowly figuring out that its not your style and that’s ok. As usual I just had to say what was on my mind 😉

The Saturday Text:

“Please let me know you are ok and u made it to Calgary safely – I am really worried about u.  I know u probably never want to see me again but pls show me some empathy and let me know you had a safe trip – please.

The Saturday Email:

“A while back you said to me “ it often takes you some time to figure things out – but you always come to the right conclusion “  and you meant that as a compliment. I just got home and realized that I shouldn’t be texting and emailing you now. Your with your parents and daughter and they should be your priority during your short visit – sorry it took a while to clue-in.  Also I thought it over and I am not going back on POF. I said that in a prior email because you hurt me so badly. Deep down you know we are very good together as do I. Sure we both have our faults and we could both work on our communication skills but at XXX’s birthday party you were absolutely glowing and you were so excited introducing me to your friends, at home before we had incredible hot passionate sex you said “you were the rock star of the birthday party”. And during that sex you had an incredible orgasm as did I.  Last Sunday afternoon you were so adorable when you fell asleep lying on top of me with your head on my chest. You also opened up your beautiful house to my dogs and didn’t even get mad when the dog scratched your door. You wouldn’t have treated me this way if you didn’t really like me and I know I really like you. I am not giving up on us yet, the past month wasn’t perfect but it was “wonderful”  –  your words not mine but I definitely agree. I want to talk to you when you get back.  I hope your dad is feeling well and everybody and your daughter is well too. Have a great visit. ps. we are getting another storm  – I will make sure your driveway is shovelled for when you get back 🙂

Then he turned up at the airport on Monday night with the flowers and apologies and I told him the only reason he was apologizing was because I was pissed off and I wasn’t getting into anything with him and I walked away.   I took the roses home.  They look nice on my dining room table.

And of course there are even more emails and more texts.  He has now told me he is in love with me, and wants to take care of me.  Nice sentiment, but his taking care of me would involve me worshipping him and being at his beck and call and letting him boss me around.  Screw that.

I sent him a very snotty email which ended the whole thing.  I did a little recap of all of the shitty emails he sent me over the course of our very short relationship, and he finally seems to understand that No, I’m not going to therapy with you to work out our communication issues, and No, I don’t want you back.

Can you imagine – go to therapy after a five week relationship??????  Jesus Christ you’re supposed to be in the happy part of it at that point aren’t you????

This has really hit my self confidence and makes me question my judgment and my overall motives for even staying with this guy when I should have dumped him in the first couple of weeks.  I said to my friend TK:  I liked being with a handsome rich guy – it made me feel good.  How sad and stupid am I.

Okay, I’m done with this now.   Hopefully I have learned from this massive mistake and appalling lack of judgement on my part.

 

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