He looked like a tomato perched on two toothpicks….

And I kid you not.  I’m still reeling from the shock of it.  Perhaps my new strategy of targeting older men is doomed to fail if this is any indication of what’s out there.

So, to backtrack a little bit.  My friend told me I needed to start looking at older men who would appreciate me and I have mulled on that a bit and taken it to heart. So, I did up a very lame profile on POF with no photos, the bare minimum for information, and thought I’d troll around a bit and see what’s out there in the 55-65 year range.

Amazingly, many men contacted me.  Jesus, it must be a complete barren wasteland of women out there as my profile is seriously lame.  I wouldn’t contact me for god’s sake!  So Mr. Tomato is a sailor, which is a good thing as I miss sailing.  His profile said he was 62, and his photos were of a very pleasant looking man.  The photo of him on his boat did not raise alarm bells with me.  I mean, he wasn’t Brad Pitt, but I’m not Angelina Jolie either, and the fact he has a nice boat was a real plus with me.

So, I arrange to meet him at the bar of La Frasca.  I was a bit early, so I went to the mall and killed some time.  I noticed a short, very fat man in a ball cap staring at me.  Then I saw him again staring at me on my way to the restaurant.  I totally blanked him as I walked by, thinking to myself, that better not be who shows up to meet me.  I think you can see where this is going…  Yes, it was him who walked into the restaurant.  I fucking just about died.  I even threw up a little bit in my mouth, while trying to remain classy and not insult the guy, although I should have told him to go to hell for completely misrepresenting himself.  His profile indicated:  average build, physically active, 5’10” and the photos gave no indication of what was in front of me.

For the love of god, this guy was shorter than me (I’m 5′ 8″), he was wearing a red ball cap, I suppose because it matched his horrible bright red shirt stretched tight over his massive beer belly, with his shorts belted underneath that beer belly, and his little stick legs had socks going up around his mid calves.  Are you getting the picture?  On what planet he would consider himself physically active (maybe beer drinking?) I don’t know.

Oh, and he smelled like sausage.  I’m not kidding.  And, he admitted all his profile photos were from 2005/2006!!!  Asshole!!!  DID HE NOT THINK I WOULDN’T NOTICE???

To make a long story short, I gulped down my wine in record time, told him I had other stuff to do and beat a hasty retreat after about 20 minutes.  I want everyone to know, though, that I was extremely respectful towards him.  I didn’t call him out like I normally would have because he just looked old, fat and sad and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  He was, however, massively disappointed I wasn’t going to do dinner with him.  And he wants me to go sailing with him. Not.  Hopefully, he enjoyed the drink as there will never be a repeat and no further contact whatsoever.  He is the most gross looking guy I’ve ever met in my life. I cannot believe I got suckered into that meeting.

Clearly, Karma is biting me in the ass for something.





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