Why I’m glad I’m single and can afford expensive wine…

I’m in hermit mode these days.  The thought of going out and being sociable just frigging kills me.  Could it be the ten feet of snow still hanging around in April?  The backyard covered in dog shit?  The garbage cans full of garbage buried under snow that haven’t been put out in a couple of months and are probably vermin infested havens right about now?

Or maybe I just had enough man time in Cuba.  Yes, I think that’s probably it.  Way, way, way too much man time for me.

Not that the Hot Italian Hippie who wears Prada isn’t a perfect gentleman.  He is above reproach.  Impeccable manners.  Beautifully dressed.  The smoothest, softest, silkiest skin I’ve ever had the pleasure of running my hands across.  Adorable dimples.  Handsome.  Good lover.  Attentive.  Totally into me.

There’s a reason I am referred to as a chippy chick.  It’s just a nice way of saying I’m a total bitch with no patience.

Now, my trip to Cuba was completely amazing.  Beyond my expectations in terms of gorgeous weather, beautiful resort, amazing people I met, cigars I smoked, rum I drank and the copious amount of sex I had.  Zero complaints on any of that.  I even went fishing and caught a fish!!  That was actually eaten!

But holy shit, I am completely incapable of spending an entire week in the company of one man, never mind the same room.  I can’t stand it.  I went down there with the following expectations:

  1. Hang with hot man, have a laugh, and have a lot of great sex

That’s it.  I had no thought in my mind whatsoever that any romance would bloom.  I wasn’t looking for a soul mate. Fun was on my mind.  I’m not saying that he felt differently, but I am pretty much 99.9% sure that all I had to do was give him the signal and he’d declare his love for me and we’d be a “couple”.  I don’t mean this in a mean or nasty way at all.  He is a sweet man who genuinely went out of his way to be really nice to me.  I tried to do the same.

But, there were a couple of things I found just weird:

  1. It was a bit shocking to me when he actually said “I really want to go to this baseball game, I hope that’s okay”. Like I would give a rat’s ass. If I wanted to do something, I would do it. He could come or not. I wouldn’t care. Anyway, I hate baseball. I invited myself out for dinner with two other couples, we got rum drunk and partied our asses off. Way more fun than a baseball game.
  2. I fished for about an hour on the first day. That was enough for me. That’s all he did. Which again, live and let live. He can’t sit still and needs something to do and I 100% get that. Me, I’m a happy camper by the pool with my book. But, the validation he seemed to get from people commenting on the fact he was fishing (it was polite stranger commentary), his intense need to talk about his fishing, and the fact he filled up our mini-bar fridge with fucking fish was irritating.
  3. He is a hermit, pure and simple. We talked to people because I talked to people. One day he just stayed in the room, under the covers, all day. I think maybe I was supposed to stay in bed with him, but I was just like “WTF????” It’s sunny out and no way in hell am I staying in bed with you all day in air conditioning with the blinds pulled.
  4. His conversational abilities left a bit to be desired. He is shy and does not appear to be used to the idle chit chat that happens when sitting around drinking. He didn’t seem to realize that when people you don’t really know, that you meet on vacation, say stupid shit, you can just let them and it doesn’t matter and no one cares. Too many occasions he gave unnecessarily vehement responses to things people said, which I felt was completely unwarranted on his part.
  5. He is not a confident man. Resulting in me going off him.

Shit, that was a lot more than a couple of things.  More like a picky, exhaustive, most likely unfair, list of minor flaws.  God only knows what his list about me would be like.

Which brings me around to my main point – why I am glad I’m single and can afford expensive wine:

  1. I don’t have to put up with 1 through 5 noted above.
  2. My dog is way better company than most men and all I have to do is feed her and she’s happy.
  3. I love men. But I don’t want them around all of the time.
  4. I love wine. Expensive wine tastes good, makes you feel good, demands absolutely nothing from you, and you’re happy to swallow it.

Need I say more?

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