Stabbing myself in the eye with a fork would have been more fun than this…

Well, now I know why Mr. Hot is single and his last girlfriend dumped him. His true colours came out on Wednesday night and as a result I have deleted him from my life. Forever. I will never again speak of him or acknowledge his existence after this blog post.

I think the following text transcript is somewhat helpful in explaining why I am so pissed:

Me: I nearly bought allsorts tonight so I could eat all of the coconut ones. But went and got my nails done instead. It was a good day – XXX thinks I would be a great go-to finance person for the local companies they invest in : )

Mr. Hot: Hey, you are on a roll. I would have little doubt. Good for you. And good call on the nails.

Me: I’m pretty happy that I’m still somewhat employable. And that I didn’t send 4000 calories straight to my ass.

Mr. Hot: Ahh, employable, smart and adorable ass. A little less sweet with the candy loss 🙂

Me: You say the nicest things handsome : )

Mr. Hot: You are welcome. Just sayin…

Me: Besides being the hottest man I’ve met in recent memory, you are completely charming.

Mr. Hot: And a dirty mind : )

Me: One of your very compelling qualities..

Mr. Hot: Yours works a bit on the edge too…

Me: You are one sexy man Mr. Hot.

Mr. Hot: I’m hard… And thanks…

Me: Oh I am completely unable to be anywhere near you without being wet.

Mr. Hot: Come over if you would like?

Me: Half hour or so?

Mr. Hot: Sure, door is open.

(I don’t normally ever go to a man’s house but I have two roommates living with me now who were home, so him coming to my place was not an option). Anyway, it was pretty amazing. Very intense hour or so. Between his dirty mind and his big penis, I had a shit load of fun.

And then, it happened… HE KICKED ME OUT OF HIS HOUSE!! Five or ten minutes after he had his orgasm. I am not making this up. He actually said to me “let’s get you dressed”.

I was in a complete state of shock. I have never had anything this gross ever happen to me post-sex. I was speechless (a rare thing for me). So, I got dressed, he tried to hug and kiss me, perhaps realizing that he had just been a complete asshole to me, but who knows. Maybe he is just that big of a douche, I don’t know. I left and he’s lucky I didn’t spit in his face, which is what I felt like doing.

So, I get home and start thinking about this, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.. Not my usual thing, but I like the guy and he’s been great so far, so WTF was this all about?? Trying to be a grown-up, I wanted to let him know how completely shitty that made me feel. God, I don’t recognize myself writing that. I should have told him to fuck off and let that be the end of it. But no, I open myself up for the fucking weirdest text exchange ever:

Me: I really like you and having sex with you is amazing. But that post sex get away from me asap thing is something I’ve never experienced before except with you and it makes me feel shitty. So not sure what is up with that except that you think I’m only booty call material. Which I get but not what I want.

Mr. Not so Hot (the next afternoon): You are a friend  who I am physically attracted to and you have arrived in my life at a time when I’m not interested in a relationship. I need to spend time with my kids, work through the loss of my mother. A relationship is not on my radar. I enjoy your company and I apologize if I have crossed the line with our physical activity. Let’s sit down with a coffee and discuss.

(Oh, and wait, this is the icing on the cake)

Mr. Not so Hot: …and last evening I took a pill to help with our enjoyment of the evening and at 11:00 the side effects were full on. (dizzy, headache).   Again I apologize. We will manage our friendship with greater clarity…if it is not too late.

Holy fucking just kill me now. If it’s not too late???? I clearly tell him my feelings were hurt and he comes back to me with something that implies I’m at fault. WHO WRITES THIS KIND OF SHIT???? I showed Mata Hari the text. I was upset. How could I have liked someone, hung out with them for two months and completely misjudged them? In the way that only Mata Hari can do, she looked at me and said: “He doesn’t go down on you. There’s something wrong with him. That plus the fact he tried to blame you for wanting a relationship, and telling you that you must have misunderstood things.” I love her so much

I deleted him from my contacts, deleted his texts and dropped off a typed letter, unsigned, in his mailbox this morning:

“If someone thought I was as big of a douche as I think you are right now, I would want them to tell me.

I left your house on Wednesday night feeling like a low-rent hooker that you couldn’t get out of your bed fast enough. The only thing missing was you tossing me some money. It’s a real first for me – congratulations on being the only man I’ve ever fucked who made me feel like a whore. It was beyond demeaning and something I won’t forget anytime soon.

I have all the clarity I need regarding our friendship. Friends don’t make friends feel shitty.

I think I left a purple wrap at your house. If it’s there, please leave it at security at the next time you’re at the office. “

I really shouldn’t have to deal with this shit at my age.  And KMS, you see what happens when you leave the country – shit goes down baby!

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