Seriously – I found this note in a plain brown envelope…

I was cleaning up my office this evening in the interests of not sitting in utter chaos and actually getting some work done tonight. I filed some stuff.  I stuffed a whole bunch of other stuff in a blue bag and put it in the basement in the hopes that the shredding fairy will come tonight and take care of it.  It’s looking pretty good – I can see the floor now that all the crap is gone:

Office

And then I found a random brown envelope, nothing written on the face of it, but something made me look inside. I just about pissed myself laughing when I read it…

This is “Pretend Boyfriend” at his best. I have no idea when he left this in my office – but assume it must have been last December or January when he was hanging about here all of the time moaning about his wife. (Or, perhaps, he left it here when he was taking care of my house for me when I was in Cuba last February and having my fun liaison with the Hot Italian Hippie who wears Prada).

In any event, Pretend Boyfriend was probably wounded that I didn’t notice this gem and thank him for his clarity and insight into my life….

Seriously

SERIOUSLY – WHO DOES THIS????!!!!

As I’ve said before: THANK GOD I AM SINGLE!

Sometimes men are just too stupid for words…

My “pretend boyfriend” from last winter showed up this week. I don’t think I really mentioned him too much – he’s married and I met him in a bar last fall.  I had no idea  that he was married.  That is, until he asked me out, I went ,and then found out he was one of those asshole married men who think it’s okay to stupid shit like that.

I will make a really long story short here. After him fixing a lot of crap in my house, trying to boss me around about how I should run my business, introducing Mata Hari to a complete douche, hanging around my house constantly, crossing the line by making out with me, but when I took my clothes off he panicked and bailed, I told him to fuck off.

And, I have to say, my life has been much better without his little stress puppy, complaining self in it. But, apparently he has missed me and asked me out for dinner tonight.  So, being the curious type, I went.  Oh my God.  I wish I hadn’t.

This guy is wired for sound. He starts off dinner with “I have a call at 7:30, so we have to be finished up by then.  Me “Well, let’s just call it a day and you go do what you have to do and we’ll get together some other time”  Him:  Well, I didn’t want to cancel and upset you”.  Me:  I wouldn’t have really given a shit – go do what you need to do – I really mean that.”

Which, of course, makes him cancel whatever it was that he had to do.   So lame.  I couldn’t stand being around him.  I’ve never spent 1.5 hours with someone so stressed out, and with an agenda he couldn’t articulate but was so transparent I nearly felt sorry for him.

So, I helped him out. I told him I wasn’t interested him, I liked him as a friend, and that unless he could actually behave like a normal person around me, he should never call me again.

It’s possible I hurt his feelings but I don’t care. I am completely sick and tired of stupid men who try and manipulate me and think I’m stupid, and that I should be interested in all of their stupid shit and drama.

THANK GOD I’M SINGLE!

My mother always told me I was my own worst enemy….

Ah, it’s February.  That shittiest of months in Nova Scotia, where it’s cold and the weather is appalling and involves far, far too much shovelling on my part.

I am in a very bad mood as have had to shovel a crap load of snow in the last two weeks, and my loving daughter has bailed on the trip to Cuba I got her for a Christmas present due to the fact “I’m too busy mom – you should have consulted me first before you booked the trip”.  Seriously?  A twenty year old actually says that to her mother who bought her a fabulous trip to a five star resort, during reading week so it wouldn’t interfere with school?  And I booked the g.d. trip out of Toronto to make it easier for her to do it, even though it cost me more and is highly inconvenient for me??  Well, I think my mother was right when she told me it is possible to spoil a child too much.  Clearly I have reached that point with mine – I mean when I was twenty, I was grateful when my mother bought me food so I wouldn’t starve to death when I was going to school, never mind a trip to Cuba!

The end result – apparently I am going Cuba by myself and have just wasted a shitload of money that I could have used for another trip for myself in April.  KILL ME NOW!!!!!  On the upside, she has deigned to meet me at my hotel in Toronto the night before I leave so I can buy her dinner and get caught up.  I’m sure it’s going to utterly awkward and I’m not even sure why I’m doing it besides the fact that I’m her mother and it might look bad if I say “Listen, you suck, I’m pissed, I’m doing something else that night”.

So, moving on.  Mexico boy who stole the book from his hotel room and gave it to me as a gift has got himself right back in my bed.  He totally sucked up to me, bringing food, making me dinner and being all out of character and Mr. Sensitive.  That plus the sexual attraction I feel towards this man has me being completely lame and hanging out with him again a couple of times a week.  I mean, really, I can’t have a decent conversation with him – it’s impossible – he just talks about the same three or four things all of the time!  But, naked in bed with me, he has my 100% attention.  I just really, really like having sex with him. It definitely works for me in that I’m at least not constantly sexually frustrated, plus I like that it annoys the hell out of the married guy.

Yes, that parting I mentioned last month, didn’t last.  This guy is having a total midlife crisis.  And we were starting to get all cozy and hanging out all of the time yet again when, last week, I once more put the brakes on whatever it is that is going on between us.  He is clearly looking for me to fulfil some non-sexual need, and I have to say that I think he just likes that I think he’s a great guy and I’m appreciative of all the things he is doing for me. Yes, I am being a lot mercenary here, but he is doing a shitload of really nice things for me that I am not asking him to do, so not being a complete idiot, I am happy to accept these things, he is happy to provide them and so we are both getting something out of this weird affair without the sex thing that we have going on.

He is a very generous man. Can someone please explain to me why I cannot find a single version of that??? Oh, I know the answer to that:  I’m my own worst enemy hanging with Mexico guy and married guy –  I have no time for anyone else!

Anyway, I did take the high road last week and tell him that I’m muddying the waters  and there was no way he was going to ever be happy with his wife as long as he was hanging with me, (and I’m pretty sure I’m far hotter and way more exciting than his wife). I see no really good ending to this, besides the fact he is fixing up my house so I suppose that can be considered a decent ending for me.  Him, maybe not so much.

Well, I only hope I have a decent trip to Cuba, the sun shines there the entire time and I come back way, way less cranky than I currently am.